A word about ulpan

There is no better word to describe ulpan than balagan. It’s like being in kindergarten, a soap opera, and a comedy routine all at the same time. I understand now how people survive the 5 hours a day, 5 days a week, 5 month Hebrew class – it’s because ulpan is a hilarious scene. My teacher doesn’t just teach us Hebrew, she puts on a show for us. Probably she might have been an actress in a different lifetime. She uses all tactics possible to keep us engaged in the Hebrew lesson, hour after endless hour. I don’t know if it’s just our teacher or if all of the teachers are like her (I certainly hope so because I’m moving into a higher level class next week, and I couldn’t bear to be with a teacher less entertaining than my current one!) Our teacher is addicted to chocolate and stuffs her face with it all day long. It’s probably how she gets all her energy. She sniffs empty chocolate wrappers and whiteboard markers and takes food from people’s desks without asking. For no reason at all she’ll open the window and stick her head out or momentarily leave the classroom and come back. She’s always playing tricks on people and making inappropriate jokes to get us to laugh. Humor and silliness are definitely her approach to getting us to learn Hebrew. If we want to understand why everyone is laughing, we have no other choice! It’s the best motivation. Also, it’s good because learning Hebrew can be so hard and frustrating and exhausting, that ultimately there is nothing else you can do but laugh. Or cry, which happens from time to time. Or fall asleep, which is a daily struggle for all of us. No one survives a day in ulpan without coffee. Sometimes a student will fall asleep in class and my teacher will throw a paper airplane at them or send them out to buy her a coffee. She’s one of the best teachers I’ve ever had; we all love and adore her.
Every individual in my class lends a certain stock character to the group dynamic. There are about 25 of us, from all over the world – France, Argentina, Uzbekistan, Canada, Belgium, Russia, Greece, etc – roughly between the ages of 20-40. It’s a conglomeration of personalities in a setting that would make anyone turn ADD. My friend Aliza pointed out that Israel should make a TV series about ulpan and she’s right, it would be the funniest show on television. But back to the group dynamic – so we have the Frenchies (it seems that half the Parisian Jewish population up and transplanted to Ulpan Gordon, but anyway) who speak Hebrew with such thick accents that if I’m not paying close attention it sounds like they’re speaking French. (due to all the translating going on I’m actually learning quite a bit of French simultaneously). There is a Belgian pothead in my class who hides joints in the bushes outsides ulpan and gets high during the breaks (I only discovered this when I found him searching anxiously through the bushes one day and I asked him why; his joint had gone missing into nature); there is the apathetic Canadian who comes to class exactly one hour late every day and endures word-for-word the same scolding every morning; there is a Russian girl who is always randomly laughing and most of the time no one really knows why; and of course the American party boy who comes into class 20 minutes before the end of the day wearing shorts, a tank top, sunglasses and sun hat, holding a fresh fruit juice, strolling in like a movie star. The teacher shouts that she would kill him except that he’s going into the army to defend and protect her so she won’t say anything. Oh, the army boys get away with everything…
I'm definitely the quiet one in the class. When I do speak, my teacher yells at me to speak louder. We're basically encouraged to yell. There's no such thing as "classroom voices" in Israel! Sometimes my teacher raises such a commotion in the classroom that even she gets overwhelmed and starts screaming for quiet, when in fact she's the only one really making all the noise! It's quite amusing.
There is really no way to illustrate the extent of ridiculousness in my class. Literally, we laugh all day long. I never know what trick my teacher is going to pull out of her sleeve next. She is something special.

(Oh and by the way, we’re actually learning Hebrew too) :-)